believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize