He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
