A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You know, be my cock's hype man.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Drunk is not a location!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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