god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
