we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize