Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
