Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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