You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
