i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
