I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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