I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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