u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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