Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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