She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
