so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
