someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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