i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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