I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
