Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I supernannyed him into submission
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
