I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
