Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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