Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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