someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
