Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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