Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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