I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
