goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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