SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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