Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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