you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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