Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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