everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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