i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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