genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
