am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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