He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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