Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
