Pregnant stripper...not hot.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm too high and old for this...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
