hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
