my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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