I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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