I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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