i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
