After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
