after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
