you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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