I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
