We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
