Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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