i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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