I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
