i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
