Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
