I wish my penis had an off switch
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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