at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
