I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
