Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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