Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
