I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
