Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
