We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
it was like eating out sand paper
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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