had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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