Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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